


Blackbird

by gypsiangel



Series: Whisper of Sound [2]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Gen, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Original Character(s), Sexual Situations
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-05
Updated: 2015-02-09
Packaged: 2018-02-28 07:11:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2723363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gypsiangel/pseuds/gypsiangel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Stupid little things will trigger the worst memories, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it." Sequel to 'Golden Slumber'</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> See? It didn't take too long to get the sequel going ;) I hope I don't disappoint. Thanks for reading, guys. *hugs* This one takes up six months after "Golden Slumber" :D

*~*~* 

          Hands slid over her in the dark, running along her side and across her hip. Fingers slid underneath her shirt and across her belly, slipping under the waistband of her panties to dance along the soft and sensitive skin. She shifted and tried to move her legs, her eyes still heavy with sleep. Her legs wouldn’t move and alarm pinged through her in a quick jolt. She tried to move her hands, to grip the fingers traveling lower on her stomach toward the juncture of her thighs, but there was a painful electric current running just under her flesh and she couldn’t do more than just twitch her fingers. A whimper came up from her chest, and she was forced to lie there as he pressed his palm flat against her stomach and pulled her closer back to him.

          Her backside came flush with his pelvis, the evidence of his arousal thick against the nearly bare back of her thighs. _“We waited a long time for this, baby. It’s time that I make you happy. I want to hear you call out for me.”_

          A cold nose nudged her face and a warm tongue lapped at her chin, bringing her out of the nightmare with a gentle _woof_. Alice was sprawled across the bed, her blankets wrapped around her legs and torso from where she’d been fighting in her sleep. Groggy and not entirely out of the nightmare, but knowing that it had been a horrible dream, the young woman disentangled herself from the blankets and wrapped her arms around the huge Labrador/Shepard mix that had jumped into the bed with her. The dog moved into the curve of her body, letting her wrap herself around his comforting bulk.

          “Good boy, Samson,” she murmured into his fur, letting it soak up the upset that had welled in the aftermath. “Good boy.” She could hear Spencer in the shower and another layer of tension eased away, though she could still feel the tremors rolling through her. God, when was this going to stop? It had been six fucking months and she was still waking up soaked in sweat and tears, sometimes with her throat sore from crying out in her sleep.

          Samson had been a gift from Spencer and his teammates, their connections within the government offices making it easy to find the right animal and the right trainer. At two years old, Samson had already been trained in ATF tactics and in the field for six months before his handler had been killed in a raid. When he hadn’t been able to bond with another agent, he’d gone into the pool of animals waiting to be retrained. His gentle nature, intimidating size, and former field training was exactly what Spencer wanted for Alice.

          Working with the BAU meant that he was away from home a lot more than he was comfortable with and the first time the team had been called out of town had left both of them anxious and terrified. Alice had been surprised and visibly relieved when Penelope Garcia had invaded their apartment and basically moved in for the week and a half that Spencer was gone. But they all knew that it wasn’t something that could happen every time they were called out.

          Samson was more than just a service animal, he was a fiercely loyal and potentially dangerous deterrent to anyone who might want to harm Alice. Or Spencer. He’d taken a strong and quick bond to the lanky profiler, recognizing him as an extension of his mistress. He never left her side when they were away from home, and with his official vest and harness, no one blinked. His low growl had stopped more than one person from coming too close and making her uncomfortable. Alice wasn’t all right with most people touching her, and if Samson didn’t recognize them as a friend, they weren’t getting into what he thought of as ‘their’ space.

          The bathroom door opened and Spencer stepped into their bedroom, skin dripping and reddened from the shower. A towel was wrapped around his narrow hips and he was using another to dry his hair. He stopped when he saw the two huddled on the bed, brow furrowing at how visibly shaken Alice was. Making eye contact, he slowly moved toward the bed, silently making sure that she knew that it was him. They’d learned that after a nightmare it was sometimes hard for Alice to recognize who was touching her and he was very careful when he woke her up.

          Explaining the black eye had been hard, but dealing with her frantic struggles to get away from what she thought was the man that had held her hostage was so much harder. Spencer would rather take a real beating than go through that again. So now, he spoke to her in gentle tones and made sure she was looking at him before he took her in his arms. She transferred her grip from Samson to him, burrowing into the warmth that eased her fear better than anything else could.

          “Garcia’s going to take you to your PT this afternoon, right?”

          Alice relaxed more at the sound of his voice speaking of mundane things, but she didn’t answer. She reached up and gripped the back of his hair, pulling his mouth down to hers in a kiss that bordered desperate. This was a new tactic that she’d found worked wonders to get the feel of unwelcome, phantom fingers off of her. Replace them with something real and welcome. He molded his lips to hers, opening to let her inside even as his body responded to her other hand pressing a firm line down his leanly muscled chest and stomach. “Spencer,” she murmured and let go of his hair to grab his hand to guide it over to her hip. “Touch me, please. I- I need this out of my head. Please.”

          The plea in her voice broke his heart a little, but he did as she asked, guiding her so that she was lying on her back. He covered her with his larger frame, kissing down her chin and neck. He worshiped her with touch and taste and teeth, gently nipping at the sensitive spots he knew would drive her desire higher and take it from a desperate need to replace bad with good, to a desperate need for _him_.

          “Beautiful,” he whispered against her ribcage, his breath ghosting across her skin and making her tremble. She gripped his shoulders as his tongue dipped into the indent of her bellybutton, then he sucked the skin covering her hipbone into his mouth and she arched up with a cry. He slid her panties down and off her legs with his graceful hands, then her fingers were buried in his hair again as he draped her legs over his shoulders and tasted her.

          Lips and tongue and teeth and fingers brought her over the edge, her thighs clenching and hips bucking in response. She tugged at his hair lightly, pulling him up so she could take his mouth, tasting herself on his tongue. She gripped him firmly and slid her fingers over his length and it was his turn to shudder and gasp. “Oh, God, Spencer, I need you. I need you inside me, please.”

          He didn’t deny her. His large hands cupped her butt and pulled her down further under him and off the pillows. She let out a low keen when he slid into her, her arms shoving the pillows completely off the bed to give them more room. It didn’t take long for them to reach their peak, Spencer angling his thrusts at just the right arch to maximize the stimulation for them both.

          Rolling so that Alice was half lying on him and her head was comfortably resting on his chest, Spencer asked breathlessly, “Are you okay? I didn’t…”

          It was the same thing every time, and she burrowed her face into him and inhaled the scent of sweat and sandalwood soap, pressing her lips to his skin. He was so scared that he was going to hurt her and had a habit of holding back. That was something that she was working on changing. “Baby, I’m more than okay,” she told him and propped herself up on her elbow so she could smile down at his face. “There’s going to be a day soon where I’m going to prove to you that I’m not as fragile as you think I am.”

          “Allie, fragile is the last thing I think of to describe you. I know that you’re not up to a hundred percent. I-“

          “Spencer Reid, god of all things intellectual, what did the physical therapist say about working my legs and hips at home?” The fact that she said it with a mischievous little smile while she playfully ran a fingertip over his nipple made him wary.

          “That you should try to push yourself a little further each day and work beyond just the assigned exercises. But-“

          “I think that sex is a very good way to do that. I think I might just ask Penny about…”

          Spencer groaned and rolled her under him again, cutting off her words with a deep and searching kiss. When he broke away, she laughed and stroked his back, lightly running her fingernails over the muscles covering his spine. “You’re going to be the death of me,” he growled lightly, body already stirring again. “We don’t have time for…” She bit his lip lightly, running her tongue over the soft flesh to soothe it. The little whimper that escaped him made her giggle, then gasp when he took the backs of her thighs into his hands, raising her legs and holding them there while he slid back inside.

          When Morgan showed up to pick them up for work, he was amused to see his friend looking flushed and disheveled. Both of them were fresh out of the shower, Spencer looking harried but very happy. Alice smiled up at him as she slipped her arms through her black and silver backpack, then into her forearm crutches, the leash that connected to Samson’s harness in her gloved fingers. When she’d graduated from the wheelchair to the crutches, they’d all taken her out to a very small neighborhood pub to celebrate. She had come a long way in a short amount of time.

          She still wasn’t up to taking the transit and Spencer never replaced his car after it broke down, so Derek had made it a point to casually offer to carpool since they’d moved in less than four blocks away from his own home. Alice insisted on paying him for gas and when he’d tried to refuse, she’d stuck money in his jacket or in his desk when he wasn’t looking. The girl was ruthless. And speaking of, he noticed a purpling mark on Spencer’s neck just above his collar.

          “You are my hero,” Derek grinned and hi-fived the petite girl. “For that, I forgive you for making us late.”

          “No thanks needed.” Alice’s eyes shone with good humor as she looked over her shoulder at where Spencer was gathering his satchel from the hook behind her, his face burning. The embarrassed smile grew when he looked at her. “It should be a pleasant enough day in the BAU.”

          “Just keep in mind that I have an amazing memory and a keen sense of poor timing,” Spencer warned her with a quick kiss on the cheek. It was a useless threat, and both of them knew it. When it came to Alice, he would never do anything that would potentially embarrass her or put her on the spot. He was beyond smitten.

          Derek rolled his eyes and scratched at Samson’s ears, “How do you live with this fluff, Sammy? Huh?”

          The shepherd wagged his tail and huffed a short, soft bark. Derek was one of his favorite people outside of Alice and Spencer. They actually had ‘play dates’ with Derek’s dog, Clooney, where they’d go to the park for a few hours and just let them run. “Let’s get going before we have to explain to Hotch why you two made us more than twenty minutes late.”

*~*~*


	2. Chapter 2

*~*~*

          _“I wish I was still corporeal.”_ Melody sat on top of Derek’s desk and watched him work through his paperwork, a wistful look on her face. The redheaded girl had her chin propped up on her fist, her green eyes taking in the resting seriousness of the dark skinned agent. Short legs folded underneath her, her other hand tapped a rhythm against her knee. _“Oh, how I would love to touch this perfect example of a man. I’d…”_

          Alice barely bit back a groan, knowing that no one else could see her friend that was currently mooning over SSA Derek Morgan at his desk in the bullpen. She narrowed her eyes at the other girl in warning, then continued on her way toward the break room where she’d hoped to grab a cup of hot water for her tea. Spencer and Emily were gone to New Jersey to conduct a series of prison interviews that would take up the remainder of the week. The rest of the team was homebound, catching up on paperwork and working on other projects that were tedious but necessary.

          Alice was trying to keep herself occupied and her mind away from the fact that Spencer was out of town, and she was failing miserably at it. Penelope had offered to stay over, or to have Alice and Samson over to her place, but she didn’t want to intrude. And to be honest, she wasn’t really up to being around anyone. There was something brewing in the air, making her jumpy and a little over sensitive. High anxiety because Spencer was away from home, she’d decided early that morning when she’d sent him off to the airport. And the fact that the sentencing trial for Gavin Mitchell was coming up next month and she’d have to face him across the courtroom. Her stomach pitched at the very idea, the small lunch Penelope had forced on her threatening to come back up.

          She didn’t want to think about it. She had to think about it, there was no choice. Every minute that ticked by was another minute closer to having to relive those horrible days of being drugged and helpless as the man- Mitchell- moved her and talked to her as if she were a life-sized, living doll. The way he’d touched her as if it was welcomed, kissed her as if they were lovers. She hadn’t thought of him by name until recently. In some of their conversations, Aaron had brought up the point that it wasn’t helping her process what happened to her by disassociating the identity of her attacker.

          Admitting that he had a point and then following it were two very different things. It didn’t make it any easier to deal with it whether she put a name to the man, or not. Next week she was going to be in interviews with the federal prosecutors and defense attorneys. She was going have to speak to even more strangers about what happened to her, about the fact that she still hadn’t seen his face. Alice had to admit to someone other than Spencer and Aaron that she had closed her eyes whenever her abductor had been close enough for her to look into his face. She still refused to look at pictures of him, avoiding the case files and anything that had to do with her own trauma. She wondered if it was worse to not have a face to go with the phantom feeling of meaty hands pawing over her; with the horrible voice that spoke to her as if she was there of her own free will. It wasn’t going to matter in a few weeks when she had to look at him, to hear what he’d done to the other girls. She was going to have to see him and look into his eyes.

           Why did she have to face him? Why did she have to speak to him, to hear him again as he talked and looked at her and… Wasn’t it enough that she still gagged at the smell of cinnamon? Wasn’t it enough that she still jumped when someone she didn’t know came too close, that she sometimes struggled with Spencer when he tried to wake her up from a nightmare and she didn’t know who was touching her? That hurt her more than anything else. When she was in the nightmares all she had was touch and smell and sound. When her best friend, her lover, touched her without her looking into his face first, she sometimes didn’t know it was him and it made everything else so much worse.

          Her chest felt tight and her face too hot. She heard a door slam across the bullpen and she jolted so hard she nearly dropped the travel cup she'd managed to pull out of the leather holder that Penelope had rigged up on the lower part of her crutches. Without realizing it, her body had started to tense and her breathing went shallow. Tingles were running up and down her arms, her fingers too tight on her cup. He heart was rushing in her ears, too fast and somewhat erratic.

          Samson leaned against her legs and whined as he nudged her hand with his nose. She took a deliberate breath and held it, then let it go unsteadily. An agent from a different team that she hadn’t met before came up beside her to refill his coffee and he smiled at her. She couldn’t return it. It felt like she was frozen, as if she tried to move or speak she would either bolt or shatter into a million pieces. Unwelcome and hot tears welled up and the hand holding her coffee cup twitched and lost its grip, clattering to the floor. Samson barked once, alerting everyone that there was a problem, and Alice felt her head go light.

          “Are you all right?” The unfamiliar agent was concerned and reached to take her arm, his voice sounded muffled against the sound of her own heartbeat. Jerking away immediately, she lost her balance and tripped backward, falling hard on her backside. Her stomach rolled and she scooted back so that she was out of the way and her back was to the cupboards. She released her arms from her crutches, leaving them where they lay so she could fight if she needed to. Everything was too bright and too loud, her skin too tight as the familiar panic threatened to overwhelm her. _Where was Spencer? Oh, God._

          “Alice, it’s Aaron, you’re all right.” She blinked and realized that she had her hands thrown up as if to ward off reaching hands. The unit chief was kneeling in front of her, about a foot away and he was looking at her with the familiar lines of his face falling into concern. “You’re in the BAU offices and you’re safe.”

          She buried her face in her hands. “Is it all right if I come closer?” His voice was calm and even and so gentle it made her cry harder. She could hear Samson growling lightly as he stood guard between her and everyone else in the room. Aaron was recognized as family, which was the only reason he was allowed so close.

          Alice nodded. “S-Samson, he-heel. I-I’m all right.” The growling stopped, but he didn’t move. She heard Derek order everyone away and back to their desks and humiliation washed over her, replacing some of the panic. She didn’t want to pull her hands away from her face, resorting to the _‘if I don’t see it, it’s not real’_ philosophy. Her stomach lurched when she realized what she was doing and everything was twisted back to her avoidance of looking into Gavin Mitchell’s face because by looking it became real. It _was_ real, and it _had happened_ and she was a fucking mess on the floor of her place of work. She felt like she was going to pass out.

          “I’m so-sorry,” she hiccupped and finally looked at Aaron, who reached for her when it was clear that she knew who he was. “Oh, God, I’m sorry. I- I- I…”

          “You’re all right. It’s okay.” He helped her to her feet and wrapped her in a fatherly embrace, turning so that they were shielded from the prying eyes of the others in the bullpen.

          “I don’t… I don’t know… don’t know what ha-happened.”

          “You had an anxiety attack, Alice,” Derek told her softly and she shook her head, feeling weak after the adrenaline eased down. “It happens, honey, and there’s no way you could have stopped it. It’s not your fault.”

          “Remember what your therapist said,” Aaron reminded her. “It comes with the PTSD, flashbacks and panic are normal for what you’ve gone through. That’s why you have Samson, and that’s why we all feel better with you here where we can help you.”

          “I’m disrupting everything,” she whispered. Her voice wavered, “I sh-shouldn’t be here. I do-don’t want to be a…”

          “If you say burden, I’m going to smack you,” Penelope chimed in and a soft hand stroked the back of her head, the tender touch belying her words. “I have our boy on the phone if you want to talk to him.”

          Alice nodded and let Aaron and Penelope guide her into the conference room where the analyst handed her a cell phone and the two of them retreated just enough to give her the illusion of privacy without going too far.

          “Allie?” Spencer sounded worried, and the moment his voice hit her ears, she let out a shuddering breath that ended on a half-sob. “Baby, tell me about it.”

          “I- I don’t want to be a burden,” she blurted out, squeezing her eyes shut and lowering her head to rest on a forearm on the table. She held the phone tight to her ear and hunched her shoulders in so that she could block out everything but Spencer. “I… I went to get tea and I started thinking about _him_ and how I needed to start actually calling him by name instead of just _he_ and _him_ and _the man who took me_. Then I thought about the interviews next week and that I’ll actually have to face him at the trial because I can’t just close my eyes the entire time. I thought about all of the things that have changed and all of the stuff that I’m scared of now. And it just kept spiraling around and getting faster and faster. I shouldn’t have fucking freak outs when I go to get coffee in the break room. It’s been six months, Spencer. I shouldn’t be so goddamn scared.”

          “Allie, I want you to listen to me,” Spencer said gently, interrupting her furious words. “I still have nightmares about what happened with Tobias, and that was almost three years ago. Stupid little things will trigger the worst memories, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I’ve taken swings at people who come up too close at the wrong moment and startled me. How many times have you woken me up when I was thrashing around? Ask Hotch or Rossi about their nightmares. I had a fat lip from when Prentiss clocked me after I woke her up from a nightmare on the jet. Baby, every single one of us has had the very same thing happen to us at different times.”

          “That doesn’t make it better,” she whispered, but some of the guilt and self-recrimination had eased. “I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be…” Her voice cracked and she wished to have him with her so badly it ached.

          “Can you do me a favor?”

          She nodded, then realized that he couldn’t see it and said, “It depends.”

          “Will you go home with Garcia tonight? I’ll be home tomorrow, but I don’t want you to be by yourself.”

          “I don’t want…”

          “You’re not a burden, Al, and I’m sure that if Garcia could hear you, she’d threaten to do something horrible but cute- like dye your hair pink and yellow.”

          She couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped. Then she scowled, her forehead still hidden against her forearm on the table. “Wait a minute, you don’t need to cut your trip short because of me. I am not going to stop you from doing your job, Spencer. It’s bad enough that I’m making an ass out of myself and disrupting everyone here.”

          “We’re pretty much done anyway.”

           She could hear Emily in the background, _“Tell her that I don’t want to put up with your puppy-ness any longer than I have to. It’s like you’ve been-“_

           “Isn’t there something else you should be doing?” Spencer’s voice sounded muffled as he covered the speaker on his phone. There was a rustling and she could hear a door shut with a little more force than necessary. When he spoke again, his words echoed a little and she could hear water running.

           “You had to hide in the bathroom?” Despite herself, Alice felt a swell of affection at the antics of her lover and their friend.

           “Prentiss is irritating when she’s trying to be teasing and supportive at the same time. Morgan and JJ are better at it.”

            “I still don’t want you to come home early.” The words tasted like ashes in her mouth, but she made herself say them. She had to draw a line and keep it if there was going to be any kind of normalcy in their lives. “Please, Spencer. I’m all right and I need to make myself… I need to…”

            “I know,” he said softly, “This goes both ways, Allie. It hurts to be away from you like this, when I know you need me. But you’re right and we need to regain some sort of normal no matter how bad it sucks.”

            She felt the burn of fresh tears. “I hate this.”

            “I’m proud of you.” Her breath hitched in her chest at his words and she fought against another wave of misery.

            “I don’t know why,” her voice was strangled. “I’m a hysterical mess.”

            “You’re stronger than anyone else I know, and I work with a bunch of bad-asses that take down violent criminals for a living. I love you, Alice.”

             “Love you too,” she whispered. “I’ll talk to you tonight?”

             “Like clockwork,” he replied, then waited for her to hang up before he did.

             Leaning against the door of the bathroom, Spencer closed his eyes against the wave of homesickness passed over him. He wasn’t prone to these kinds of emotions, never missing DC that much when he was out of town. He’d missed Alice, of course, but he had never felt this almost overwhelming need to see her face, to touch her and to see for himself that she was all right.

             He had never really felt like he had a home to miss until now.

*~*~*


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a while :) I had a bunch of stuff come up that had to be dealt with, then my head wasn't in the storyline. Lol but I think I'm back on track. I hope this next sequence doesn't suck. Thanks to everyone that's reading this and the comments have all made me reaaaallly happy. *hugs*
> 
> Okay, so I was in a hurry to get a chapter out and I went with a different direction than I'd originally written. Looking it over, I wasn't quite satisfied so I went back and added in the bits that I took out. This should flow a lot better. :) This chapter has massive re-write from about halfway down to the end.

*~*~*  

          “Does this ever end?” Alice was perched in the huge fluffy orange chair Penelope had placed close to the window that overlooked the front gardens. She’d pulled it a little closer to the open window and was leaning against the sill, breathing in the cool night air. It was the beginning of April and the early spring breeze felt good on her warm cheeks. Samson was curled around her feet, the warm weight of his furry body comfortingly solid against her legs. She could hear her friend puttering around in the kitchen behind her, the sound of the oven timer being set sounding across the open space.

          She looked over when Penelope sat down on the arm of the chair then turned so that she was leaning against the other arm. She pulled her knee up into the seat so that she was able to comfortably face the other woman. “I wish I could say this kind of stuff goes away, Pixie, but I can’t. It does fade though.”

          Alice sighed and rubbed at her eyes. “I just want to be normal. Is that too much to ask for? I think that’s what I’ve always wanted, Penny; to be just like everyone else. When I was little, I wanted a mom and dad like my classmates had. The ones that worked nine to five and actually cared about their kids. I wanted to have new clothes and toys and to not have to walk on eggshells all the time to avoid getting a beating.”

          Penelope’s eyes softened and glistened in the lamplight. “I used to scoff at the idea of normal,” she confessed, reaching out to take Alice’s hand. She’d put on a little of the weight she’d lost when she was in the hospital, but the other girl was still too fragile. “I’ve always done my best to flip normal the bird. I _like_ being the weird kid, I always have. And my parents were cool enough to encourage my individuality. I got a lot of crap for it, though. Before everyone else figured out that we can be different from each other and still be a part of a group, I wasn’t the most popular of kids.”

          “If I could be ‘normal’ the way you are, Penny, I would be so happy,” Alice said on a laugh. “Part of my abnormality is this compulsive need to blend in. I have to stay just under the radar. Nondescript, quiet… don’t make waves, don’t speak out of turn… if you can, don’t speak at all. I have all of these personal rules that I use to keep away from being outed as a serious sideshow freak. When we were kids, the only time I didn’t think I needed to be like that was when Spencer was around. We were the freaks together, and when we were together no one could hurt us.”

          “You don’t have to live like that anymore, Allie,” Penelope said. “You’re around people who know you and still love you. I, personally think that you’re a hell of a lot cooler than anyone else I’ve ever met.”

          “Penny, you don’t have to try to make me feel better,” Alice said, a sad little smile touching her lips. “I appreciate the effort, but I’m…” She hadn’t said it to elicit any kind of sympathetic response. She wasn’t fishing for platitudes. This was why she never talked about how she felt about things, it always sounded like she was looking for pity.

         “Baby, I want you to listen to me,” Penelope said and shook her hand sharply. Her brown eyes narrowed as she made sure that the other girl was listening. “Look at me. I don’t invite just anyone into my house, no matter how much I feel bad for their situation. I have a soft, squishy heart that gets me in trouble sometimes, but I’m not a pushover by any means, and I like my space a lot more than I like most people. My home is my sanctuary and I think that outside of Derek, Reid, Kevin, and JJ, no one else has ever been here for a social call. I have a few friends outside of the office that have come to hang out, but I can count them on the fingers of one hand. And I sure as hell don’t really care to spend the night away from home if I can help it, I like having my own little nest here. I just happen to like your place. It’s kinda like being in my own apartment and you don’t care if I spread out and make myself at home.”

          Alice looked down at their linked hands, a bit of color appearing in her cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

          “Don’t you apologize, doll face. I don’t want you to think that anything I do is out of obligation. Believe me, if I felt like I was obligated to do _anything_ , my pretty demeanor would change, fast.”

          “Okay,” Alice whispered, embarrassed and feeling horribly close to tears again. Her emotions had been all over the place, making her prickly and oversensitive to everything. “Penny, I really am sorry. I- I don’t know how to… I’ve never had…”

          “Well, now you do,” Penelope interrupted her and reached over to press a smacking kiss to her temple. The oven timer went off and she let go of Alice’s hand with another gentle squeeze. “And we have a huge vegetarian deluxe pizza with our names on it. And I have this amazing pineapple cider that I think we need to try. And if that’s not good, I still have a few of the Dead-Guy ales we had the last time the boys were here.”

          Alice rubbed at Samson’s ears when he looked up at her with knowing eyes and rested his chin on her knee. “It’s okay, good boy,” she murmured and his eyebrows raised just slightly. “It’s okay, I’m just being a crybaby.”

*~*~*

          She was huddled in the handicapped stall in the downstairs bathroom, her knees pulled up to her chin and Samson standing guard between her and the flimsy door, leaning his side against hers. Shoulders heaving with the force of her upset, Alice let all of the emotion she’d been holding in pour out into the fabric of her tights. The interviews had gone just like she’d thought they would and she’d had to go over everything that had happened from the minute Gavin Mitchell had taken her from the park to what she could remember of her rescue.

          The prosecutor had been gentle but ruthless in his questioning, asking the same questions over and over again using different wording. He had explained that when she was on the stand at the sentencing trial, that it was important that she was ready to give her testimony and to face her abductor. The fact that he hadn’t actively harmed her was a point in Mitchell’s favor. At that, Spencer had snapped, his sharp words cutting right through the emotionally charged room. “Actively harmed? Are you kidding me? He poisoned her and nearly killed her. He killed four other girls-“

          Aaron had stopped him before he really got going with a hand on his shoulder that the younger man shrugged off. He shut his mouth with an angry click. Alice was already gripping his hand so tight her fingers hurt. Samson had laid down between their chairs and at the sound of the anger in Spencer’s voice, he had sat up on his haunches with his ears and eyes alert. The attorney diffused the situation with a few placating words, explaining that there was no doubt that while not violent, Mitchell had done just as much damage- if not more- than a violent perpetrator.

          In the original interrogation Mitchell hadn’t denied the fact that he had taken the women and held them in his home, and in fact hadn’t found anything wrong with what he’d done. It had taken Morgan and Rossi less than an hour to determine that the man was either a very convincing liar or he had blocked out the fact that four women had died as a direct result of his actions. He had shown genuine distress when Rossi had slammed down the autopsy photos of Alyssa Matthews, Sandra Nicholson, Hannah Ames, and Melody Johnson down on the table in front of him and spat out their names and cause of death. Disassociation at its finest.

          Prentiss had entered into the interrogation and the three of them had proceeded to tag-team the interview before Mitchell’s attorney had stepped in to request a psych evaluation. No one had openly argued, though all of them seethed at the fact that it looked like the man might very well get off with an insanity plea. He was obviously delusional, speaking of Alice and the other girls as if he had tried to save them and they had all left when he hadn’t been there. He had no memory of dumping their bodies.

          He had asked about Alice, worried that she might have been hurt when the swat team had barged in. Rossi had ordered Morgan out of the room when it looked for a moment like the younger agent was going to take a swing at their prisoner. Then he had very coldly told the other man that Alice was in a coma and they weren’t sure if she was going to wake up, all because off the drug he had used to keep her under his control.

          Even though Aaron had brought it up as a possibility when they'd talked about the process, Alice hadn’t been prepared for the prosecutor to bring up the extreme likelihood of Mitchell not even making it to trial. He'd thought it was a positive thing for her to think about, that she might not actually have to go into a courtroom at all. No one had been prepared for her reaction, not even Alice. Standing abruptly, she had gathered her crutches and Samson's leash, and left the room. Spencer had tried to follow her, but she had neatly evaded him by ducking into the women's restroom at the end of the hallway.

          Sitting in the echoing silence of the out of the way restroom, Alice had allowed all of the fears and anxiety roll through her, all of the doubts and the sick dread that had been pooling came out in wracking sobs. It had taken less than twenty minutes for her to hear the click of heels on the linoleum floor. She shrank back when the door rattled. “Pixie? Honey, you okay?”

          “G-Go away, P-Penny.” Her voice was shaking and sounded strangled by tears. She tightened her arms around her legs and pressed her face tighter into her knees. The last thing she wanted was to be around anyone right now. She heard rustling and a huff of air as her friend slid under the partition.

          “Only for you, honey, only for you,” she muttered, and greeted Samson, “Good boy, buddy, keeping an eye on our girl. It’s okay.”

          Samson eyed her coolly and leaned a little heavier on his mistress, waiting for Alice to say if it was okay to let the other woman close or not. Penelope was family, but if Alice said no, it meant no. “Lay down, Samson, it- it’s okay,” Alice said, stroking his head and neck. He gave a grumbling mumble and lay down where he was, keeping a line of body contact. “Penny…”

          “I know you needed a minute, baby, but you have two cavemen out there about to violate the women only rule for this bathroom. And as soon as our chocolate god and Italian stallion hear of it, we’ll have a riot.”

          The attempt at humor fell flat as Alice didn’t even raise her face to look at her. She shook her head and thin shoulders heaved a hitching sigh. “I don’t want to go out there. Th-there’s a reason I hid in the women’s bathroom on the lower levels. I feel like I’m in a fishbowl with everyone watching me to see when and if I’m going to crack.”

          “It feels like that around here sometimes,” Penelope agreed, moving so she was sitting cross-legged in front of her. “Why do you think I stay in my office so much? Everyone’s worried about you, Pixie.”

          Alice finally lifted her face, bloodshot eyes finding and holding Penelope’s. She hadn’t worn any makeup, knowing the probability of her crying was pretty high. “I know. I just don’t… I don’t want to deal with any of it right now. I want to go home.”

          “Okay, doll. You want to stay in here a little longer and I can tell the boys to cool their jets somewhere else? We mean well, Alice, and none of us want you to go through this alone. You don’t have to, you know.”

          “I know. But right now I can’t… feeling like everyone is too close is making it worse.” The words were hard to get out, but Alice knew that she needed to say it. She wasn’t used to having so many people want to take care of her and at this very moment, all she wanted was to slide into obscurity again and pull the veil of anonymity back around her like a comfortable shield.

          “I’ll tell them all to go away for a while and you’ll come and find them when you’re ready,” Penelope said, her smile understanding. “I’m sure that Spencer will be more than happy to take you home, love. They’re all doing paperwork today anyway and our genius is probably already done with his and half of Morgan’s.”

          The smile she offered was shaky at best, but it was enough to ease some of the worry. Penelope patted her hand and hauled herself to her feet. “You’ll have to lock this thing after me, love. I’m not crawling under that thing again if I can help it.”

*~*~*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all :) I went back and redid about half of the last chapter, so if you read it sometime yesterday, it'd be best to go back and re-read it. I promise, it's worth it. I added stuff and rearranged so that the things I took out are in this chapter. I really hope that it flows all right and doesn't seem too weird or disjointed. Please let me know if it doesn't work or reads funky. There'll be more new stuff for you guys tomorrow.

*~*~*

          “The judge accepted the insanity plea. He’s not going to prison.” Alice stared at the ceiling with dry, burning eyes. Samson was lying next to her on the bed on one side, and Spencer was lying on his side on the other. He was propped up on one elbow as he looked down at her solemnly.

          “It doesn’t mean that he’s going to be let out on the streets, Allie,” he told her and tucked two elegant fingers under her chin to guide her face over so that she was looking at him. He searched her hazel green eyes. “He’s going to be locked away in the state hospital for the criminally insane, maximum security. It’s the same thing as prison, only he’ll be watched more closely and more or less studied and poked at until they figure out what went wrong to make him do the things he did.”

          “I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” she whispered, exhaustion pulling at her expression. Her eyes shone at him in the near dark and he nodded, leaning down to kiss her gently. She had no idea why she was so upset about Gavin Mitchell taking the plea. It meant that she didn’t have to go through the trial, she didn’t have to go on display as the girl that survived. She should be relieved, but there was a hollowness to her that made her feel like there was something seriously wrong.

          “Okay,” he agreed and stroked her cheek, his thumb caressing the line of her lower lip.

          “Spencer,” Alice murmured and pulled his arm out from under him so that he was lying flat on the bed. She scooted down and over so that she could rest her head on his shoulder, her arm around his waist. “Can you tell me a story? A fairytale with a happy ending.”

          He smiled and ran his fingers through her hair. Lewis Carroll’s Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland had always been a comfortable favorite and he’d long since memorized the text. He pulled it up from his memory banks, then recited, “Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do. Once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it - "And what is the use of a book," thought Alice, "without pictures or conversations?"  

*~*~*

          “Do I still need to give a statement for the record, or is it covered in my interview with the lawyer?” Alice asked Aaron quietly when he came inside the office where she was working with Penelope. She knew something was up when he quietly pulled up on of the extra chairs and gave the tech a look that made her squeeze Alice’s shoulder and murmur something about going to check if JJ had a whatchamacallit. It wasn’t the smoothest exit ever, but Alice couldn’t find it in her to smile.

          “Alice.” It was in his voice, that gentle timbre that told her that he was going to tell her something that was going to upset her. Her fingers tightened in Samson’s fur, the large animal sitting up at attention next to her legs. “Gavin Mitchell committed suicide early this morning. He was found this morning after shift change.”

          “I don’t want to know how,” she said and her voice sounded strange to her ears, far away and a little weak. She’d barely had enough time to adjust to the fact that Mitchell was taking the insanity defense, and now there was this. “Where’s Spencer?”

          “He and Morgan are just now coming back from a suspect interview in DC. I didn’t want anyone else to tell you and it’s all over the press.”

          Alice nodded faintly. “Of course it would be. He was in a max… maximum security…” Her voice trailed off and she shook her head. A horrible laugh was bubbling up in her chest and it made her ill. Hysteria. Now she knew for a fact that she would never have to ever see him. She didn’t have to ever look into his face, she didn’t have to see his eyes as they looked her over and watched her with sick fascination.

          “The minute Spencer is back, I want him to take you home. I arranged with Strauss to give you both the rest of the week. The press is going to be all over this, Alice, and as his only survivor, you’re going to be hounded by reporters.”

          “I can’t,” she said with a little more strength in her voice. “I- I can’t face talking about it to anyone. Aaron, am I an awful person for being happy that he’s dead?”

          Her voice lowered to a whisper again and she fixed him with glittery eyes. “I’m glad he’s dead. I’m just scared he won’t stay that way.”

          Aaron didn’t say the normal platitudes of ‘of course he’s going to stay dead, honey’. He understood what she was saying despite the absurdity of it. “It’s completely normal to feel that way, Alice,” he said. “As for the other, we’ll face it if it comes up, all right? I’m going to suggest to Spencer that you two drive out to Gideon’s cabin for the rest of the week to ward off the worst of the reporters. I’d also like for you to speak with JJ before you leave to give her an official statement to give to the press. We’ll take care of everything.”

          Alice closed her eyes and brought in a deep breath and said simply, “Thank you.” He sat with her for another minute to make sure she was all right, then he got up to leave.

          “I’ll have Spencer come down here when he gets back. He already knows what’s going on, and don’t worry, I’ll pack up enough work to keep him busy while you guys are out.”

          Alice managed to work up a tiny smile as he left her alone, pulling the door nearly closed behind him. She leaned forward and rested her forehead on her knees, her hands tucked into her chest as she focused on just breathing. Emotions rolled through her, mixing in a noxious brew that made her feel like she wanted to laugh and cry all at the same time. Even being assured that she wouldn’t have to go into the courtroom to face him, she’d still had it in her head that she somehow would be expected to explain things. Now she knew for a fact that she would never have to face him or have to admit to his defense team that he hadn’t actually abused her physically. There had been no beatings, no torture, and no rape.

          She would never have to stand in front of a bunch of officious people to describe the days of being a prisoner in her own body, or the months upon months of recovery that was still in its fledgling stage. She didn’t have to feel like she needed to defend her survival, to explain that he really was a monster and he needed to be locked away so that he didn’t hurt anyone else. All because the man, Mitchell, had been too weak to stand and face it himself. She was giddy with the relief of it, and sick because at the same time she felt cheated. He didn’t have to face the consequences of what he’d done. He didn’t have to see the damage he had done to her, to the other girls. He didn’t have to look at the faces of the families and loved ones that were left behind.

          Alice felt the tell-tale tingle of Melody’s hand stroking the back of her head and then her shoulder. _“It’s over, Allie._ ”

          Alice tried to just breathe. “Are you sure,” she asked, speaking the words into the fabric of her tights. “It doesn’t feel like it’s over.”

          _“He’s not going to get close enough to bother you._ ” Alice raised up just enough to look into her ghostly friend’s face. She searched the uncharacteristically hard expression. _“He’s taken enough from us. He’s not going to do any more damage. If I have to call in the big guns, I will. I’m taking this guardian gig seriously.”_

          Alice didn’t ask, she just nodded. Samson nudged the side of her face with his nose, a small grumbling whine a sign of his uneasiness. “It’s all right Sammy,” she murmured and pulled him closer so she could bury her face in his fur. “It’s going to be all right.”

*~*~*


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! :D Thanks to everyone reading this and commenting. Omg, I appreciate the support so much, it makes me push past whatever mind-block I might have toward getting this story moving. It was kinda touch and go there for a couple days where I tried to figure out where I wanted it to go. It's figured now, don't worry ;) Anyway, even though there's a mature rating on this thing, I just wanted to give a little warning- there's some sexing in this chapter. And fluff, always the fluff.

*~*~*        

          Alice never tired of Spencer’s hands. Whether they were waving idly as he unconsciously tried to illustrate whatever point he was trying to make, or if they were wrapped around a coffee mug as he tried in vain to wake up from another morning that came too early, or even if they were shaking and unsteady after a nightmare that had shaken both of them from sleep, she figured that they were her favorite feature of his. His grip was gentle on her hips, his fingers splayed so they spanned a good portion of her lower back and his thumbs rubbed back and forth over her hipbones. He guided her over him, face intent and watching her for any sign of discomfort or pain as she rode him in a gentle, nearly teasing undulation.

          “Don’t worry so much,” she chided, her breath hitching with pleasure as he reached depths that they’d never reached before. This angle was almost too much, but that’s what she wanted. She wanted to be filled to the brim with him, so that all she could feel was him; all she wanted to think about was Spencer.

          “You- your legs,” he started to say but she lifted herself nearly off him, then fell back down at a different angle that made both of them gasp.

          “A-are fine,” she breathed, even though the tingles in her calves and feet were getting a little painful. Her thighs were burning but she didn’t want to stop, she didn’t want to lose this connection, this little bit of… of control. As always, though, her lover was almost hyper conscious of her comfort level and he gently flipped them over so that her back was against the mattress. Pulling out of her completely, he swallowed her disappointed cry and ran his amazing fingers across her breasts, pinching tenderly at her sensitive nipples before traveling down.

          His mouth left hers and sucked at the erogenous zone just under her jawline. When his teeth nipped at her collarbone, Alice lost whatever irritation she might have carried, along with all higher thought. She ached with a passion that she couldn’t remember reaching before as Spencer’s lips latched onto her nipple and sucked hard. A cry left her and one hand tangled into the back of his hair while the other bit into his shoulder as her body jerked in surprised lust.

          “Oh- oh, God,” she couldn’t help the rather clichéd chant that left her lips as he continued down the length of her body, his fingers going to the juncture of her thighs. When they slipped inside and moved, thrusting in and up harder than he had ever touched her before, she let out a half-scream as her pleasure spiked. “Spencer, please… Fuck, Spencer!”

          His tongue found her clit just as his fingers found just the right spot and she climaxed hard, gritting her teeth and jerking her hips up into his face. Body humming, she tugged at his hair until he rested over her again. Incapable of complex speech just yet, Alice latched her mouth to his and gripped his neglected erection with a firm hand. He whimpered against her lips and bucked into her strokes, incredibly close to his own orgasm. When she brushed the head of his cock against her thigh on the upstroke, it was enough to make him shudder and lose control.

          “I love you so much,” he whispered and kissed her forehead and then her cheeks. “So, so much.”

          “And I love you too.” She rubbed her cheek against his and smiled at the slight stubble that rasped against her skin. “What do you think about the hot tub?”

          “I turned it on when we got here yesterday, so it should be up to temperature.”

          “There’s no neighbors around here, right?” Instead of feeling tired, Alice was oddly energized, her mood elevated beyond anything it had been for the last few weeks.

          “I believe the nearest neighbor is five point eight miles to the north. The next nearest is seven point three miles to the south.”

          “So there won’t be anyone around to see us naked, right?” Her question threw him for a half second. Neither of them were necessarily prudish with modesty, especially around their home, but he didn’t think Alice would ever feel all right with being so exposed and out in the open.

          “Are you sure?” Spencer cupped her face with his hands, his thumb running along her lower lip. “We brought swim gear.”

          “Gideon had security cameras all over the place out here, right? And one of the monitors is within viewing distance of the spa, right?” His friend had been paranoid, even in the middle of his sanctuary. Spencer couldn’t blame him after everything the other man had seen in his time with the BAU and as law enforcement before that. The excessive security was the reason he felt safe bringing Alice all the way out here in the first place.

          “There are two monitors outside within viewing distance of the spa,” Spencer confirmed with a grin. The back deck that held the hot tub was built above the back patio, just outside the French doors of the upstairs master bedroom. Even if someone could see them from some obscure hiding spot, the chances of anyone reaching them without going through the rest of the cabin and setting off the alarm was slim to none.

          “Then what are we waiting for?” Alice sat up and lowered her legs over the side of the bed. Samson perked his head up from his bed in the corner of the room, raising his eyebrows as if to ask if they were done yet. She laughed and wrapped her legs around Spencer’s waist when he playfully lifted her up off the bed. She could have walked, leaning against him without having to use her crutches for the seven feet to the spa, but as her core made contact with the skin of his belly, the afterglow started to tighten into something more.

          “I bet that it would be easier for me to ride you in the water,” she murmured huskily against his ear, laughing when he stumbled and nearly dropped her.

          “Have I mentioned how insanely lucky I am?”

          “I think you have that backward,” Alice sucked his earlobe into her mouth and groaned when his hands flexed against her naked backside.

          “We’re both lucky, how about that?” Spencer lowered her to the ground next to the spa and quickly moved to take the cover off, watching her closely to make sure she was steady on her feet. Even now with passions running high, he was ever cautious of how irritatingly delicate she was. Alice felt a surge of love for him, an affection that seemed to overwhelm her for a moment. She couldn’t believe that she had almost missed out on this.

          When they were in the hot water, she allowed him to pull her close, her legs wrapping around his slender hips as she settled in his lap. Her arms around his neck, she stared into his pretty face and felt the stirring of tears. It seemed that all she had done since waking up in the hospital was cry; her emotions had never been so volatile and it irritated her. Good feelings or bad, it seemed like crying was her body’s way of dealing with it and she didn’t have any control over it.

          “It’s all right, Allie,” Spencer told her now and kissed away the liquid that had leaked out of the corner of her eye. “Seventy-five percent of trauma survivors reported elevated emotional levels and a change in how they deal with it. You’re not weak and you’re not an inconvenience. I loved you before, and I love you now. Nothing has changed for me except that now I don’t have to hide what I feel. I can take care of you, I can touch you, and I can tell you that I love you.”

          Alice felt a little light headed and leaned her forehead against his. He always seemed to know what to say. “I don’t want to be the one that needs taken care of,” she admitted shakily. “I don’t want to be the one that makes everyone think twice about what they say, or how they move, or fuck… even how long they look at me. I’ve become the clingy girlfriend. I _hate_ the clingy girlfriend.”

          Spencer’s chuckle made her smile. “Maybe I _love_ the clingy girlfriend,” he admitted with a hint of humor. But when she lifted her head to look at him again, he was serious. “You’re the only one that looks at me like that, like I’m strong enough.”

          Alice ran her hand up the back of his neck and fisted her fingers in his hair, tugging just a little before taking his mouth again. “Let’s not talk anymore,” she said, and moved her hips against him.

*~*~*

          The long, tree-lined driveway reminded her of something out of a fairy tale. The rental car was parked off to the side, far enough away as to be easily ignored. Alice sat on the front steps, cradling her oversized coffee cup between her hands. Samson was lying next to her, his bulk stretched out as he napped lightly. The morning was beautiful and sunny and so early that the air was damp with dew as the sunshine slowly eased through the dense forest around them.

          Spencer was still sleeping upstairs and Alice had left him with a fond smile and a kiss to his bare shoulder. She’d worn him out and he’d be dead to the world for a while yet. That was all right, she needed a bit of quiet alone in a place that she felt safe and she knew that he was near. They had been at the cabin for two full days and she didn’t think she ever wanted to leave, the atmosphere secure and so peaceful that it had taken her a while to realize that she was actually relaxed- it had been so long that she almost hadn’t recognized the feeling.

          She closed her eyes and raised her cup to her face, taking in a cautious sip of the almost too hot liquid. The birds were chatty out here, twittering and calling to each other as they dove and danced through the trees. It was a lovely change from the sounds of the city. When she opened her eyes, she startled at the sight of a man leaning against a tree just inside the cleared circle of the driveway.

          His medium-tall, broad form was dressed in jeans and flannel under a thick denim jacket. His feet were covered with large leather work boots, and there was a knit hat pulled down over a tanned forehead. A thick red-blonde beard covered the lower half of his face, the ends of it reaching the top of his collarbone. His arms were crossed over his chest as he stared at her across the distance. Samson stirred next to her, reacting to the sudden tension.

          They stared at each other for a long time before he smiled and raised a hand to his forehead in a friendly salute and disappeared. Samson nudged her hand and she scratched his ears reassuringly with a murmured, “Good boy.”

          Suddenly over the tranquil early morning porch-sitting, Alice gathered her crutch and went back inside. She had graduated to being able to go short distances with just one of her crutches for balance, which made carrying things a little easier. When she was inside the kitchen, she opened the cupboard with the security monitors and scanned the area without actually expecting to see anything.

          It struck her as odd that she wasn’t frightened or threatened by the dead man. Startled and unnerved, yes, but scared… no. There was something familiar about the figure, but she couldn’t put a name to it. It wasn’t Mitchell. Thinking the man’s name made her stomach go sour, but she made herself face it. The build was similar, but the man that had taken her hadn’t had a beard. It just didn’t ring right. Although she hadn’t looked at Mitchell’s face, she knew that she’d recognize him if she saw him.

          Shaking her head, she took a cleansing breath and smiled as she heard the shower start upstairs. Spencer was awake. She looked down at Samson, who wagged his tail and gave a happy little _woof_. “How ‘bout a spinach and sweet potato scramble for breakfast, buddy?”

          Normal. She was going to have a normal morning even if it fucking killed her.

*~*~*


	6. Chapter 6

*~*~*

          “Hotch?” JJ briefly knocked at the unit chief’s door, then stepped inside when he beckoned her in and gestured to wait.

He finished up his phone call and raised his eyebrows inquiringly. “Um, there’s a woman that’s been trying to get through to talk to Alice. She says that she’s her mother and that she’s not going to stop calling until she gets to talk to her. I’ve tried to redirect and to tell her that Alice isn’t available, but she keeps calling and getting more irate.”

          “Is she on the line now?” Aaron’s voice was dangerously quiet as he regarded JJ, his eyes going dark with anger.

          JJ nodded, frowning. “I’m not sure what to do. I don’t think Alice needs this on top of everything else, but it’s not my place to make that decision for her.”

          “Go ahead and patch her through to me.”

          “All right,” she sighed and rubbed at her forehead. “Hotch, I- That woman doesn’t deserve to call herself a mother. It was difficult to stay civil.”

          “I’ll take care of it,” Aaron assured her grimly.

*~*

          “I demand to talk to my daughter.” The woman’s voice was raspy and angry, the tone bordering belligerent. Aaron’s hand tightened on the receiver and his jaw firmed against the snarl that threatened.

          “This is SSA Unit Chief Aaron Hotchner,” he introduced himself, very carefully polite. “May I ask who you are trying to contact?”

          “Alice Butler. She’s my fucking daughter and I want to speak to her. Her face is all over the goddamn news and I want to-“

          “Ms. Butler isn’t in right now. I can take a message for her if you’d like.”

          “No, you fucking idiot, I don’t want to leave a message. I want to speak to her.”

          There was a tick in Aaron’s jaw. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Butler-“

          “Mrs. Hambrug,” the woman snapped the correction. “I didn’t marry the piece of shit that fathered Alice.”

          “I’m sorry Mrs. Hambrug,” he tried again, his voice going ten degrees colder and dangerously hard. “Ms. Butler is unavailable and she will be for the next week. I will tell her that you called and she will contact you if she feels it necessary.”

          “If she feels it necessary?” The woman’s voice went an octave higher, which made her sound like an angry parrot. “Listen here-“

          “No, you listen,” Aaron said smoothly, the volume belying the razor sharp fury that laced his tone. “Alice has been through enough without having to deal with you. You have no right to demand anything, from Alice or myself. If you insist on persisting, it is within my power to press harassment charges. I have no doubt that with a little digging, I will be able to find more interesting federal offenses that will be very inconvenient to your current lifestyle.”

          “Are you threatening me?” She sounded shocked and offended.

          “I do not offer threats, ma’am.” Aaron noticed his office door opening and watched Dave slip through, closing it behind him before he took a seat. “I advise you to think on your actions before saying anything further. I suggest you take the out I have generously given you and hang up. Then I suggest you wait for Alice to contact you.” There was a plethora of words that were on the tip of his tongue, but he bit them back. It wasn’t his place to speak to the vile woman about the years of damaging behavior.

          “I want to make sure she’s all right.” There was a change in the woman’s voice, a softer note that did nothing to ease the disgusted ire that was threatening to boil over.

          “I believe it’s a bit too late for that, ma’am,” Aaron snapped before he could stop himself. “Your daughter is a survivor, and she always will be. She is an amazing young woman that has overcome more than her fair share of obstacles with no help from you.” With that, he hung up the phone, feeling like he said too much and not nearly enough.

          He took a deep, cleansing breath and his lips twitched at the slow clap his friend bestowed. “Good job of keeping the woman from injecting any more sickness into our girl’s life. Are you going to tell Alice and Spencer she called?”

          Aaron nodded with a grimace. “I have to. As much as I’d like to protect her from this, it’s not my place. It’s her decision to make.”

          “I wonder if Garcia can dig up that dirt you were talking about anyway,” Dave’s smirk was infectious and Aaron found himself nodding in agreement.

          “It wouldn’t be a waste of recourses and it would give us a better idea of what we’re dealing with.”

          “Oh, I know exactly what we’re dealing with. That woman’s the living stereotype of white trash druggie that exists on the edges of society. Bitter and selfish, she points the finger of blame at everyone except for herself. She has made bad choice after bad choice and bites any hand that tries to help her out of the pit she dug for herself.”

          “It’s hard to believe that Alice came out of that home as intact as she has,” Aaron murmured, toying with the files on his desk. He had an affection for the young woman he’d all but adopted, stepping in as the father that she’d never had. Hell, he was more of a parent to her now than either of the people that created her.

          “That kid is remarkable. How does Jack feel about having a surprise big sister?” Dave’s eyes shone in amusement when Aaron laughed, shaking his head.

          “He’s over the moon for ‘Allie’ and goes crazy when he knows he’s going to see her. It’s just compounded by the fact that he gets to see Reid at the same time.”

          “We need to make sure that woman doesn’t undo the progress Alice has made so far, and doesn’t hold her back from going forward.”

          “I don’t think that will be a problem. Alice walked away from the train wreck of her childhood a long time ago. Besides, she has some very scary people at her back with connections that sad excuse for a mother has no way of comprehending.” The twist of Aaron’s mouth wasn’t even close to being friendly and he and Dave had a moment of perfect understanding.  

*~*~*

          Spencer sat on the bottom step of the stairs, listening to Alice in the kitchen as she moved around to gather things for tea. They’d had a quiet, relaxing day lying around in bed, watching movies, and slowly exploring bodies as the whim struck. It was times like this that he felt the most normal. There was no such thing as jobs or murderers or nightmares. There wasn’t any pain and there wasn’t any anxiety waiting just under the surface to creep up and take them by the throat. He smiled when Alice spoke to Samson, her husky alto sweet as it reached his ears.

          “We forgot our iPod, Sammy,” she said on a sigh. He heard the water running and considered going upstairs to rummage and find his own iPod that was tucked in the inner pocket of his jacket where he always obsessively made sure it stayed so he knew where it was. When the water stopped, he held his breath. Her rich singing voice echoed through the hard wood kitchen and into the hallway. She thought he was still upstairs. It was a song he recognized as one he heard her play before and he knew the lyrics because he couldn’t help but memorize it when she got so much pleasure from it. Melancholy and strange, the rise and fall of the melody made his throat tight.

          “I'll be black as coal, I'll be cold as steel, I'll be all the things you never wanted to feel.” She hummed, then sang again, “I'll be deepest pit, I'll be biggest fear, I'll be all the things you never wanted to hear.”

           She hummed and skipped a portion of the song, picking up abruptly as the cupboards opened and he heard the telltale sound of popcorn being poured into a metal pot. He ached to go and hold her but he didn’t want to interrupt and make her uncomfortable. “I'll take off all my skin just to let you in, you'll see my big black mess, my aching emptiness. You'll never fill me no matter how long you try, you'll just get lost inside. You'll lose those perfect eyes, lose that perfect mouth, and just like me you'll be a pile of bones. And I'll be kissing you in the bone yard… In the bone yard.”

          “What about that, Sammy,” she said lightly after her voice faded out and he heard Samson’s collar rattle as she gave him a vigorous rub. “Can I kiss you in the bone yard? Huh, buddy?” She laughed and Spencer smiled at the sound, picturing the lab licking her face

          He decided that he’d lurked for long enough and he made sure to bump into the doorframe as he came inside, to give her some indication that he was approaching. He grinned at the sight of her with a wooden spoon in her hand in front of the open pantry as she tried to reach something on the top shelf. She huffed, took a step back, and threw the spoon at the boxes on the shelf when she still couldn’t quite reach.

          His laugh startled her and she jerked her head around to glare at him briefly before her face cracked into a smile. “Do you need some help,” he asked, stepping up to kiss her temple. “What were you reaching for?”

          “The box of brown sugar. It sounded good with the black chai. I could have knocked it down in a couple more tries and a heavier spoon.”

          “Chai is actually the name for tea in quite a few languages,” Spencer started as he gently slipped past her and easily plucked the offending box of sugar off the very top shelf. “It comes from the Persian _chay_ , which derives from Mandarin _chá_ , which passed overland to Central Asia and Persia, where it picked up the Persian grammatical suffix -yi before passing on to Russian, Arabic, Urdu, Turkish and…”

          Alice stopped his flow of words by pressing her hands to his chest and her lips to his mouth, effectively derailing his sentence and his train of thought. His eyes fluttered closed and when she pulled back, he opened them back up slowly. “Thank you,” she smirked and pecked his lips again quickly. The kettle was just starting to whistle and she moved to pull it off the stove, leaving her crutch leaning against the shelves in the pantry. Her legs had been feeling better and especially in the kitchen, she'd been trying to go small distances without it. She made it halfway there when a leg cramp hit and she crumpled to the floor with a grunt.

          Tears shot to her eyes as she massaged the back of her knee and hamstring. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” she chanted, then hissed in a breath as Spencer efficiently took over and instructed her to stretch her toes out. It didn’t take long for him to work the cramp out and she told him to get the kettle off the stove before it exploded.

          “Are you all right,” he asked as soon as he was kneeling next to her again. She was still rubbing at the back of her leg, trembling in the aftermath.

          “Feeling kind of stupid,” she said harshly. “I overdid it like an idiot. I forgot for a minute that I’m a goddamn cripple and…”

          Spencer sat cross-legged on the floor and pulled her into his lap, his large, warm hand cupping the still sore area. “Allie, it’s a good thing that you _can_ forget that you’re still healing. It means that you’re getting stronger and the pain’s getting less.”

          She was silent for a long moment, just leaning against him. Then she sighed. “I know. I’m just irritated that something so minor can ruin such an amazing day.”

          “It doesn’t have to ruin anything,” he told her, then tipped her head up so she was looking at him. He smiled and wiped at the tears on her cheeks. “You’re all right, the house didn’t burn down in a freak teakettle explosion, and we still have hot chai and popcorn. And I packed Firefly.”

          “I love you, Spencer Reid.” She closed her eyes and rested for another minute. “I don’t know what the hell I ever did to deserve you, but I’m not going to ever dispute it.”

*~*~*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Alice sings in this is "Bone Yard" from Vermillion Lies. If you haven't heard it, you should look it up. It's one of my favorites. :D


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D Happy New Year! Thanks to everyone who commented and left kudos, omg, you're beautiful. Sorry this is so short, but I wanted to get a chapter out and this is all I have ready. :) Fluff, angst, and more fluff.

*~*~*  

          “Hello, little lady.” Alice froze at the friendly voice that greeted her as she sorted through the oranges on sale in the produce section. She and Spencer had gone into town to pick up a few things for their last couple days out at the cabin and she’d suggested they split the list and get it all done quicker. He was in the bakery picking up French bread while she was getting fruit and the fixings for salad. He hadn’t really cared for the idea, but she’d given him a look and reminded him that she had Samson and the store was relatively busy so if someone tried to harass her, there would be witnesses. It had been on the tip of his tongue to argue, but she’d tapped a finger to his lips and said that she wanted to get in and out as fast as possible and it made sense to split up and get things done. She knew he was probably moving as fast as humanly possible to get what was on his half of the list so he could join up with her again.

          Samson eyed the stranger with suspicion but was content to just keep his gaze alert as long as the man didn’t come any closer. “Hi,” Alice said flatly and considered forgetting the oranges in favor of apples, which were further down the small produce area. But she’d woken up wanting citrus and there was a recipe for broiled orange chicken that she’d found in Gideon’s collection that she wanted to try. She quickly chose four oranges at random and stuffed them in the plastic bag. Then she moved to the selection of organic spinach and kale, barely sparing the young man a glance.

          Football player, she noted, he was wearing a letterman’s jacket. A senior in high school most likely, just about to graduate in June. He was handsome in a wholesome, All-American kind of way that she’d never found attractive. Too many of his ilk had bullied her in the past for there to be anything beyond wariness when she was approached. Blonde hair worn fashionably long, but not too long, blue-gray eyes that seemed too earnest to be true, and a nice muscular build that rivaled Morgan's, he had every right to be sure of himself. She was not interested. 

          “Are you new in town, or just visiting,” the boy persisted, following her after grabbing a couple oranges for his own hand-held basket.

          She glanced at him, her eyebrows quirking. Why was he still talking to her? Jesus. Samson moved to stand between them. Alice felt her heart start to trip just a little. The attention was making her nervous and she dropped the bundle of spinach on the ground. She stared at it for a second before very slowly bending to pick it up. The boy said something along the line of “I’ll get it,” and Samson growled low, stepping in to block his innocent advance.

          “Woah, sorry,” he said and smartly retreated. He was smiling, though it was a little nervous. “I-“

          Then Spencer was there, picking up the spinach and putting it back on the shelf. The scent of him eased over her and made everything all right again. “You okay, Al?” He smiled over at the boy, recognizing the situation immediately. He diffused the tension quickly with a friendly greeting even as he smoothed a hand down his girlfriend’s back. “Hi. Good boy, Samson.”

          Samson sat down but didn’t move from his spot between Alice and the stranger.

          “I’m good,” she said, leaning into him just slightly. The boy looked surprised and a little put out, his gaze darkening as he saw the obvious relief in her expression and posture. His face flushed and he stepped back in embarrassment.

          “Sorry-,” he broke off, shook his head, and then turned abruptly and walked away.

          Alice looked up at Spencer and grimaced. “I am so not fit for polite society, am I?”

          “We forget that this isn’t the city,” he said and kissed her temple. “Small towns work differently. They’re a lot more curious and a lot pushier about it. They haven’t seen us here before and so they want to come up and be friendly. We’re used to the anonymity of the city- and we prefer it.”

          “I like the cabin,” Alice admitted as they went about gathering the rest of what they needed. She'd put a lot of thought into it. “I think I could easily stay and become a mountain hermit. There’s always online shopping.”

          Spencer laughed before he realized that she was actually serious. “I don’t know if that would be a good idea,” he said finally as they moved to the front checkout. “It’s just like with physical therapy; if you don’t move the injured muscle, the chances of regaining the motion is sixty-five percent less than if you did work on movement. If we remove ourselves from society and interacting with people, the social anxiety won’t go away, it will just fester until it’s impossible to leave the house or speak to anyone at all.”

          Alice appreciated the way he said ‘ourselves’ instead of ‘yourself’. They paid for the groceries and moved out to the rental car parked in the small lot off to the side. “I don’t want to become the crazy old lady that hides behind forty deadbolts and has thirty cats and a very patient and beautiful dog,” she said finally when they were sitting in the car. “It’s just hard to think about leaving the quiet. This place is… peaceful, Spencer… very peaceful.” She watched out the window and as if to put a lie to her words, she saw the man in the flannel again, leaning against a telephone pole, his hands in the pockets of his jeans as he watched them drive past.

          He didn’t wave this time, just watched with a stoic face mostly hidden by the bushy beard. She shivered and averted her eyes. “I like it out here too,” Spencer was saying now and there was a note to his voice that Alice couldn’t quite put words to.

          “I’m not really planning on running away to be a bumpkin, baby,” she told him and forced a bit of humor. “I like the hustle of the city. I couldn’t take being under a microscope all the time.”

          Spencer touched her thigh, glancing over at her to gage her expression. She sighed and then said more seriously because she could see this becoming an issue. “I don’t want to be a curiosity and I don’t want to live in a place where everyone knows everyone and says hello over the oranges. I blend and that’s my safety net. I want my ambiguous existence where I can go sit at the park and read without a dozen people coming by to chat and ask questions they don’t really need to know the answers to.”

          When he still didn’t say anything, she added, “I was just thinking out loud, Spence. These last few days I’ve felt safer and more normal than I have in years and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a longing to stay, but our lives aren’t here. First, I would never ask you to walk away from the BAU. It’s too important; you’re too important. Second, I’m starting to build my life there and I don’t want to walk away from it when I’m just now starting to understand how everything works. And third, I’m not a coward. I won’t run away when things get difficult or scary. I haven’t before and I’m not going to start now.”

          “I’m proud of you.” Alice closed her eyes at the quiet assurance. He’d said it before and he’d meant it every time, but she wanted something else. She just didn’t know what. The frustration was building and she didn’t know why. He’d said everything he was supposed to, had done everything he could, but she felt angry tears welling. She hated herself in that moment, a pike of self-loathing so strong she could taste it in the back of her throat.

          Ever tuned to her moods, Spencer pulled over to the side of the road and put the car in park, turning to look at her. She kept her eyes out the window, not wanting him to see the upset building in her face. It wasn’t fair to him for her to be so… bitchy and over sensitive. She jumped in surprise when he opened his door and got out, crossing in front of the car to come over to her side. He opened her door and held out a hand. Confused but trusting him, she unbuckled and allowed him to help her out.

          Leaving Samson in the car for the moment, he tucked her hand in the crook of his elbow and led her toward the tree line and a rough path that led into the brush. Falling into an easy silence, they walked for a short distance before Spencer stopped and led her to a giant fallen log by a rushing stream swollen by the spring rain and snowmelt. He sat down first, then drew her down to sit in the space between his legs. He wrapped his arms around her and drew her back against his chest, resting his chin on the top of her head.

          “Gideon brought me out here after the Hankel case,” he said softly. “When he realized that I wasn’t coping as well as everyone thought I was. When my behavior became erratic enough to be obvious, he loaded me up in the SUV and brought me out here to detox. It got really bad and when I thought I’d be better off just putting a bullet to my head, he took me here to stare at the water. I wanted to slug him. I wanted to take swing after swing at him, to hurt him as much as I was hurting.”

          Alice squeezed his hands that were linked over her stomach and wanted to turn and face him, to soothe the pain she could hear in his voice. But she didn’t. She listened. She knew what had happened after the case in Georgia, about the period of time where he was addicted to dilaudid. It had been the first time since they were children that he had pulled away from her. It had been almost three months of barely any contact. Alice had known something was wrong, but she hadn’t been able to push past the barrier he’d put up with excuses of work or exhaustion or something equally plausible. Later, after he had taken care of the addiction himself, he had come to her and explained. Guilt had hit her hard then, and it did again now.

          Here she was leaning on him so hard for support and being so childish about lame crap when she hadn’t been there for him in his time of need. Tears stung and she felt like her heart was being squeezed in her chest. “I’m sorry, Spencer,” she said and her voice was thick with regret.

          He gave her a gentle shake and kissed the top of her head. “I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad, Allie. You didn’t know there was anything really serious wrong with me, baby, because I’m really good at showing people what I want them to. I didn’t want you to know what was happening so I didn’t come around. Because of my work and class schedule it was easy to make you believe that I was just very busy. I knew that if you saw me, you’d know and that was the last thing I wanted.”

          He finally turned her around so that he was looking into her face. “I want you to know that I understand.” He touched a kiss to her mouth, a firm press of lips. “When you feel like lashing out over nothing or if you get angry and want to yell, or if you just need to cry, I understand. I don’t hate you, and I sure as hell don’t take it personal. I’ve been there. I tried to bite the hand that was my only lifeline. Thankfully, Gideon is tougher than me and he cared enough to not walk away when I did my best impression of a wild, rabid animal.”

          She closed her eyes and burrowed into his warmth. “I’m sorry anyway,” she whispered. “I don’t want to be this way, Spencer. You don’t deserve for me to…”

          “I deserve to have you in my life,” he interrupted, squeezing her hard. “And you deserve to have someone who won’t walk away when things fall apart- who will love you no matter what. You deserve everything, Alice, and I’m going to make sure you get it.”

          “I kind of feel like we’re in a romantic movie,” she admitted with a watery laugh. “If there are cameras anywhere around here, I’m going to come up swinging.”

          “No cameras,” he laughed with her. Then he whispered in her ear: “’Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination, full of hope.’”

          She melted into him and cried at the sweetness of it while the sound of the water rushed by them and the birds chattered around them. He stroked her hair and kissed her cheek, soaking up her pain and giving her back something better.

*~*~*

The quote I used was from Maya Angelou :)

*~*~*


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so incredibly short! The next chapter is in the works so it shouldn't take as long. :D Thank you everyone for reading, commenting, and/or leaving kudos, it means a lot.

*~*~*

          “Allie!” The little blonde torpedo flew across the living room and straight into Alice’s legs. Jack’s face was streaked with what looked like orange cheese powder that had been turned to paste, but Alice laughed and gingerly lowered herself down to his level so she could hug him properly. “I missed you! Daddy said you and Spen went somewhere quiet to think. Are you done thinking? Is that why you’re back?”

          “I missed you too, little man,” Alice grinned and nuzzled the top of his head briefly, inhaling the little boy scent that always seemed to calm her nerves. “We went on a small vacation, but we’re done thinking now.” She really enjoyed hanging out with Aaron’s son and there were a few times where she’d felt well enough to babysit when their boss needed an evening away that wasn’t case related. It was like a form of therapy all on its own when she could settle in and color or watch cartoons with him for a few hours. Spencer would work puzzles with him and do some sort of educational game that would keep him occupied and crying when it was over and he had to go to sleep or go home.

          “Hey, buddy, why don’t you go wash your hands and face and you can harass Allie when you’re not in danger of getting Cheeto goo on her clothes?” Aaron came out of the kitchen drying his hands on a towel, an easy smile filtering across his face as he watched the two interact.

Jack grinned, rubbed at Samson’s ears and said, “Be right back, don’t go, Allie.” Then he took off at a run to the bathroom, sliding on the hardwood floor as he neared the door. Spencer helped Alice back to standing, then smiled softly over at Hotch, who nodded and winked before asking, “You guys want anything to drink? I have beer, cider, wine, clear soda, and milk.”

          “I want chocolate milk, Daddy,” Jack yelled from the bathroom over the sound of running water.

          “Maybe if you ask politely.”

          “Please, can I have some chocolate milk?” Came the still shouted, but much more polite question.

          Aaron shook his head and shrugged, “That’s better, I guess.”

          “What kind of wine do you have,” Alice asked and sat down on the sofa, propping her crutch within easy reach. Samson laid down on the floor next to her as a sentinel between her and the door. The ease of movement she’d had when they were at the cabin hadn’t completely gone away, but it hadn’t exactly stayed either. The physical therapist had said that she would probably have more difficulty when she was in more stressful situations.

          He hadn’t been joking. She’d noticed the creeping tension the moment Derek pulled into their parking space after picking them up from the car rental place. There had been a news van parked in the visitor’s parking with a straight line of sight to the entrance of their building. A quick scan of the area had picked out three more reporters, two of which noticed Derek’s SUV immediately and started toward them without waiting for them to get out of the vehicle.

          A quick call to Hotch and a flash of Derek’s badge had driven them away. Alice had stumbled and would have fallen if Spencer hadn’t been there to support her. With the added tension, the aching numbness had crept back in, making her joints and muscles hurt enough to make walking more difficult. The moment they’d been inside their apartment, Spencer had run a hot bath for her with lavender salts.

          After slipping into the nearly scalding water, Alice had soaked until it had cooled enough to be bearable for her more sensitive lover. When Spencer had come in to check on her after letting Derek out and taking Samson for a short walk, she’d grabbed his hand and coaxed him into the water with her. Only when his long form was wrapped around her did she truly feel safe and relaxed. It had taken nearly three full-sized bath towels to clean up the water they’d sloshed all over the floor.

          Now, she accepted the glass of Riesling Aaron offered her and moved to sit on the floor with Jack, who had brought out his coloring books and crayons so they could color while they were waiting for dinner. Spencer retreated to the kitchen to help finish cooking, pressing a kiss to the top of her head before leaving them to their chatter.

          “Alice’s mother called while you were gone.” Spencer leaned against the counter, his hands in his pockets as he watched his boss grate carrots for the salad. This was a part of Hotch that the young genius never thought he’d see when he’d first joined the BAU. There was very little of the hardass taskmaster here. It showed the learned skill of departmentalization that came with years of practice. Aaron put everything aside because Jack didn’t deserve to see the hard truths of his father’s job, and Spencer was just now realizing that’s what his method was. He’d tried to figure it out before, to reconcile the harsh man he saw on a daily basis to the man that carried his son on his shoulders to the zoo and rough housed in the back yard with Henry, Jack, Rossi, and Morgan when the team gathered for barbeques. Now that he had Alice, he understood a little better.

          “What did you tell her?” Spencer’s question wasn’t suspicious, it was just curious. He knew that Hotch, more than anyone else, would protect their privacy.

          “I told her that I would take a message for Alice and give it to her when she came back and if she felt it necessary, she would make contact.”

          “I bet that went well,” Spencer snorted, bringing up a sharp mental image of the painfully thin, dark haired woman that had birthed his best friend. She had always been snarly and rude and had never seemed young, although she had been in her late teens when she had Alice. The unhappy lines of her face had always been there, and she always smelled of cigarettes, alcohol, and sometimes something else. He had always done his best to keep away from her and her husband.

          “There was cursing,” Aaron handed Spencer a couple of oven mitts and gestured toward the stove. “Can you pull the roast out? There’s a cutting board right there to set it on.”

          As he moved to do as he was asked, Spencer listened as his superior filled him in on the conversation with Alice’s mother. “Thank you,” he said finally, taking further instruction to go ahead and carve the meat into slices. “Janice Hambrug is a blight on the planet. I don’t know if I would have been so polite if I would have been the one speaking to her.”

          “You spoke to my mother?” Alice’s voice cut into the kitchen and the men turned to look at her. She was leaning heavily on her crutch, the fingers of her other hand white on the fragile wine glass. “When?”

          “While you and Spencer were at the cabin,” Aaron answered, looking at her pale face intently as he tried to read the emotions flashing over it. “I told her I would give you the message and you could decide if you want to contact her.”

          “I don’t,” Alice said curtly. Embarrassment flared in her cheeks and for a half second she looked like she might cry. “I’m sorry you had to deal with her.”

          “It was my pleasure to put her in her place, Alice,” Aaron assured her with a small smile. “She assumed it was appropriate to curse at me and make demands. I made sure she realized that it was a mistake.”

          She laughed, the sound surprised and a little hysterical. “I bet you did, Mr. Unit Chief. Thank you. I guess JJ was the first victim of Janice’s venom?”

          Aaron nodded and crossed the floor to take her glass to refill it. “There’s no reason to be embarrassed, Alice. We all have pasts.”

          “It doesn’t stop me from being humiliated by the fact that my mother is a raging alcoholic junkie that doesn’t realize that I owe her nothing.” Alice stopped the flow of words with a terse shake of her head. She closed her eyes briefly and took a breath. “And that’s all the energy I want to devote to that woman tonight. I want to have a nice dinner with friends and hang out with the little monster in the living room. There’s no room for her, there never was.”

          “Allie!” Jack called from the living room and the smile that crossed her face was gentle and genuine. No, she didn’t have any room for her mother. Not right now. Not ever.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right, guys... this is where I've been thinking of taking this since I started writing these two. I hope the timing isn't off, if it is... oh well *shrug* :D Thanks to everyone supporting me on this adventure. Cheers!

*~*~*

          She was dying. There was no other explanation for it. Alice knelt in front of the toilet in the restroom closest to Penelope’s office and wondered if she had the flu. If she did, she needed to go home before she got anyone else sick. But she wasn’t fevered, she didn’t have a headache, and other than minor but familiar aches here and there, she felt perfectly fine. Except for the fact that she couldn’t seem to hold anything down. Even the smell of food was enough to send her running for the bathroom.

          The rest of the team was in Arizona on a serial bomber case, leaving her and Penelope to run things from home. This had been going for three days. Three. Days. Before that, she’d been cranky and out of sorts, irritated one minute and on the verge of tears the next. Her mother had tried to call her again, this time managing to get through to Garcia instead of JJ, who was on the ground across the states with everyone else.

          Penelope had shut her down fast, words clipped and just this side of angry. It had still been humiliating to hear and her heart had felt like it was going to sink through the floor. The moment the line was disconnected, her friend had scooted their chairs together and pulled her into a hard hug. That night, they had ordered take-out Thai and crashed at Penelope’s apartment to watch a chain of campy westerns and horror movies.

          That had been last Friday, the day after the BAU team had left. This was Wednesday and Alice hadn’t even been able to brush her teeth without gagging.

          _“You are so pregnant,”_ Melody told her the moment she stepped out of the stall to rinse her mouth and wash her hands. Ignoring the spirit in favor of holding her face under the water in the sink to clear her head, Alice felt light headed and like she wanted to be sick all over again. Samson whined from his spot by the sink, raising his eyebrows when she glanced down at him, then back to her own reflection in the mirror. _“Don’t pretend you didn’t hear me, Alice Butler. I remember what it was like when my Momma…”_ The other girl’s voice trailed off at the inadvertent reminder of her past. Her mother hadn’t carried another child to term after having Melody, going in for two more abortions and having one miscarriage before the state insurance had authorized her getting her tubes tied. The woman had been spiteful enough to tell the little one that it was her fault the other babies had died.

          Alice felt a chill go down her spine at the thought that she might actually be pregnant. There was no way in hell she was fit to be a mother. “I can’t be,” she whispered, then grabbed her crutch and left the bathroom to go back to the sanctuary of Penelope’s office. Melody didn’t try to talk to her there at Alice’s request, keeping most conversation or comments to a minimum when others were around. She and Spencer had been back in town for nearly three weeks and their routines had gone back to more or less normal.

          She took her place at the second bay of computer screens in Penelope’s office and rested her elbows on a clear spot of desk. She felt hot and cold all at the same time, panic edging her senses as her mind ran circles around the possibility of pregnancy. “Baby? You okay?”

          Alice shook her head, but pressed her lips together as she heard the other woman turn her chair around to look at her. “Do you need to go home? I can take you if you need me to.”

          She nodded and regretted the small movement when it set off another bout of nausea. “All right. Let me get a couple things finished up here and then we can go.”

          Fifteen minutes later, she was bundled in the passenger side of Ester, Penelope’s prize car, and wanting to vomit all over again. Samson had to be persuaded into the backseat. If it would have been up to the animal, he would have been on the floorboard at her feet. “I have a personal question for you, love, and you don’t actually have to answer me,” Penelope started cautiously when they were halfway to their destination.

          _Oh, God._ Alice leaned her head against the window and waited for it. “When was your last period?”

          Face flaming, she wanted to disappear. She whispered, “I’m almost two weeks late, Penny.” As soon as Melody had mentioned it, she’d done the math while she was inwardly freaking out.

          She winced at the pitched squeal her friend let out and bit back a moan as the car swerved into a convenient parking spot. “Oh. My. God. Alice Butler, are you pregnant?”

          “I don’t know.” She was close to crying again. “My cycles have never really been regular. I’ll have a period on the same day every month for three months, then it’ll come early. A couple times it’s been late, but that was before…” That was before she and Spencer had been intimate. Before she had been intimate with _anyone._ And she hadn’t put much thought to her monthly cycle with everything else going on.

          “Oh, honey, we need to get you some tests, then make doctor’s appointments. And we need to call Spencer…”

          “No!” Alice grabbed Penelope’s hand abruptly. “I mean, yes to the home tests. I don’t want to tell Spencer over the phone. They should be home sometime next week, right? I can talk to him then.” She felt like she was choking on her heartbeat, it was so hard and fast.

          “Shh, Allie, you’re all right,” Penelope went from excited friend to soothing mother in a blink of an eye. Samson peeked his head over the seat and nudged his nose into Alice’s hair. She wound her hand into his fur and pressed her face into his. He licked at her cheek and gave another nudge while Penelope stroked her hands.

          After a long moment, Alice took a deep, shuddering breath. “There’s a drugstore by my apartment.”

*~*~*

          The small piece of plastic clattered to the bathroom floor and Alice stared at it like it was a snake. There were three others already in the trash with the same fucking result. Oh, _Christ_. Samson whined at her from where he was sitting on his haunches, watching her with his sharp canine eyes. “I can’t, Samson,” she winced at the hoarse sound of her own voice. “I can’t be a mother. I can’t bring a baby into this… I’m… oh, fuck me.”

          There was a snicker and she looked over at her ghostly friend, who was perched on the edge of the bathtub. _“I think that’s what got you in trouble in the first place, kid.”_

“I’m glad you can find this funny.”

          _“It is a little funny,”_ Melody grinned a little, but sobered quick enough when she saw how devastated Alice was. _“It’s not too late to stop it, Allie.”_

          “What?” Alice blinked, then shook her head vehemently when she realized what Melody was suggesting. She pressed a shaking hand to her stomach, sick at the very idea. “No.”

          _“Good.”_ The spirit traced a hand over Alice’s leg, leaving the familiar cold tingle in her wake. Her smile was gentle as she said, _“We’re not our mothers, Allie. And Spencer is… different… than anyone else I’ve ever known- and in a good way. He’ll be a good dad.”_

          Alice closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against her knees. There was a light tap on the bathroom door and Penelope’s voice filtered through the wood. “You okay in there, Peanut? You’ve been locked in there for almost an hour.”

          “The door’s unlocked, Penny.”

          The door opened, but Alice didn’t raise her head when she heard the soft pad of Penelope’s bare feet on the linoleum. She heard the click of the pregnancy test being lifted and a gentle gasp. “Oh! Oh, my God, Allie!”

          “I don’t know what to do.” Her soft confession was nearly lost in the fabric of her jeans. “Fuck, I’m scared, Penny.”

          “I don’t blame you one bit for that, my friend.” She heard rustling as Penelope knelt down in front of her. She raised up to look at her. There was a soft, happy smile on her face that was mixed with a good dose of worry. “What are you going to do?”

          “I… I’m not going to throw her away.” Alice didn’t know what she was going to say until it left her mouth. “And I’m not going to be my mother.” Her face crinkled as she was drawn into Penelope’s arms.

          “That’s all I know for sure.”

          “But that’s enough, baby.”

*~*~*


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading this! :D Sorry it took so long to get this out, I had to take a bit of a break before diving back in. This is super, super short, but more is coming. Promise ;)

*~*~*

          Alice stared at the ceiling over the couch in the living room. Samson was lying between her legs, his head resting on her hip and abdomen. They’d been there for nearly an hour, listening to the soft tick of the clock and the gentle sound of the otherwise empty apartment. She didn’t like to sleep in the bedroom when Spencer was gone, the bed was too big and the room too dark without him. Neither liked to sleep in the dark, so the bathroom light was usually left on and the door partially open. That trick didn’t help when she was by herself. The living room wasn’t much better, but she left the television on mute and let the movements of the figures on the screen act as a sort of nightlight. It gave the illusion that she wasn't quite as alone as she really was.

          Her mind was filled with racing thoughts chasing each other through her tired brain. She was going to have a baby. Penelope had gone with her to the doctor for bloodwork and a physical exam, which had been horrible and invasive. She didn’t want to dwell on the fact that she was going to have to get used to being handled. Often.

          There was another doctor’s appointment for the next week with an OBGYN where she and Spencer would be filled in on everything that was going to happen and why and when. All of the possible problems would be discussed, including what her ordeal earlier in the year could do to complicate things. She was scared spitless of everything that could go wrong. One hand idly stroked Samson’s ears while the other slid under to press gently against her still flat stomach.

          Alice hadn’t told Spencer yet. He was due home early in the morning, their unsub apprehended before he had a chance to annihilate a gymnasium filled with college students the day before. All that was left for them today had been tying the loose ends before flying out. How was she going to tell him? He was going to know something was up the minute he saw her. He usually did. Her eyes filled with tears and she squeezed them shut. What if he didn’t want this? What if he… No.

          No, that wasn’t how things were going to go. Of course he was going to be freaked out. They were young, too young to be parents. Neither one had steady parental guidance when they were kids and they had no clue how to actually raise a baby. She thought about Jack and Henry. The two little boys were at different stages, Jack being older by a couple years. JJ and Aaron both loved to send their offspring off with Alice and Spencer to enjoy a bit of a break. And sometimes Alice requested time with Jack for a playdate with Samson just because she loved spending time with the youngling.

          But they hadn’t thought about having a kid of their own. It was a different beast all together. Her primary care physician had already expressed concern over what the stress of pregnancy could do to her recovery. She was already making noises about possible bed rest and they weren’t even through the first trimester. Alice dreaded the thought of having to be back in the damn wheelchair or being stuck at home.

          Samson whined and angled his head to look up at her. “I know, buddy. I’m thinking too hard.” It was true. She was over-examining things that might not even come to pass. She sighed and turned her head to look at the television where there was a black and white rerun of The Munsters. Too unsettled to sleep but too tired to get up and do something productive, she rolled her eyes and pushed herself back so she was half-sitting. The movement made her need to go pee and she ground her teeth together in irritation. This was something she knew was only going to get worse as time went on. Samson huffed a silent bark and jumped down to free her legs.

          “Spencer’s going to be home tomorrow,” she muttered. She was almost desperately happy and seriously nervous all at the same time.

*~*~*

          The moment Spencer stepped into their apartment, Alice burst into tears and nearly toppled him with the force of her embrace. He wrapped his arms around her and eased them away from the door, sending a worried glance over his shoulder where Derek had followed him in. The other agent had invited himself in for a few minutes to say hello to Alice and possibly try to convince the young woman to come out with him and the rest of the crew for dinner and a drink to unwind after being out in the field for such a long stretch. Spencer was lukewarm on the idea, telling the others that whatever Alice felt like was his answer.

          “Allie? What’s wrong?” She buried her face in his chest and shook her head, her grip on him like iron. “Come here, baby.” He guided them to the sofa and sat down, pulling her with him. Samson looked up at Derek as if to say, ‘She’s been like this, man. I don’t know what to do’, before following them over to sit down by their legs.

          She whispered something almost unintelligible and Spencer froze, not knowing if what he heard was right. “Allie, I need you to say that again.”

          “I’m pregnant,” she said marginally louder, but much clearer. He felt like the blood in his veins turned to ice, then to something else that felt so strange and foreign that he almost felt like he was going to pass out. His words escaped him as he tried to process what was happening, that she’d actually said what he’d thought she said, and the fact that she was pulling away to look at his face now. Her pretty face was white with anxiety and streaked with tears and it was so obvious that she’d been holding onto this information for a while, just waiting for the right time to tell him. Just when she was going to jump up to put some distance between them because he was taking too long to respond, he wrapped his long fingers around the nape of her neck and lowered his face to hers.

          He inhaled her breath as he kissed her, taking in all of the unsteady fear she’d been holding in and letting it mingle with his own. They were both shaking and crying by the time they parted and he rested his forehead against hers. The warmth in his chest was strange and overwhelming and he’d never felt anything like it before. “I’m going to be a father?”

          Alice nodded and whispered, “Y-you’re not upset?”

          “I’m absolutely terrified, but I’m not upset.”

          Derek stood back with his hands in his pockets and watched the two youngsters with a grin on his face. So, he was going to be an uncle. Huh. He wondered if Penelope knew and figured that she did. He was going to have to give her some flack for not telling him, though he understood why. When his girl gave her promise to keep a secret, she held to it. Unless the other party was too slow to spill it to everyone else.

          “So, if it’s a boy, you’re gonna name him after me, right?”

*~*~*


End file.
